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 The Break Up

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R
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PostSubject: The Break Up   Sat 21 May 2011, 8:19 pm

The Break up
05.21.2011


I was drinking out with my friends last night up to early morning. These past few months have not been easy for me. After almost four years of staying under one roof, you moved out 2 months ago. Last December, you told me that you were searching for yourself and your identity. I had no choice but to let you have your time to think. You gave me a choice whether to break up with you, but I said no. Part of me wanted to wait until you made your decision, and part of me really wanted to die that day. I told you that how I can break up with you until you know for sure. So I gave you time, and stood by your side.

After 1 beer, 1 blow job (the drink of course), 2 kahluas, and 2 mojitos in a span of 3 hours, I was feeling light-headed. My friend and I stepped out of the bar to take a breather, when you sent me a message. "Are you still awake?" I replied, "Yes love, where are you?" You replied back "Can we talk?" At that moment, I felt my heart dropped and my tipsiness has left me. Thereís no good thing that comes from a question of ďcan we talk?Ē

I called you. You were sobbing. I wanted to wipe away your tears. You told me you canít do this anymore. The sounds of speeding cars at 2:30 A.M. gave silence as my tears uncontrollably fell. I felt your pain, and at that moment I knew you have made your decision. I apologized for the noise, and you told me to go somewhere, because you cannot handle it anymore and you had to tell me.

ďI know Iím not gay. This is not the life I want.Ē

I was nodding trying to convince myself that this was inevitable. I wanted to assure you, but words just didnít come by. All else was a blur to me, but we somehow managed to end the call. I texted you if I can still come tomorrow to talk. You said yes.

My friend looked at me with a question mark on his head. She broke up with me. Thatís all I could say, and I cried again.

I woke up today without the intention to win you back. I have always prayed for your happiness, and I know this is the rare opportunity to give you that. You will never be happy with me, because I am not a man. I cannot give you a ďnormalĒ life. I am not a man. How can something insignificant get in the way of love?

I picked you up. You were looking beautiful. You asked me where shall we go, and I said somewhere. You said yes. At the parking lot inside the car, I looked away from you, for I think I cannot hold it any longer.

You: Iím sorry
Me: Itís okay. Donít worry. ... Kasalanan ko ba?
You: No, itís not you. Itís that Iím not gay.


We talked. You told me this is THE valid reason. When we were starting, we made a promise to ourselves that the only reason we will break up is if at least donít love the other anymore; it wouldnít be because of our families or the society. A lot has been said today, but Iím glad we didnít say anything hurtful to each other.

Me: Sorry, I gave you the burden of breaking up with me. (I said this, because I know mahirap sa kanya un. She felt guilty, but was carrying the pain herself). Alam ko naman you were waiting for me to break up with you.

You: Bakit nagstay ka pa kahit masakit na?

Me: Kasi wala akong taong minahal ng ganito.

You cried even more. I offered you some tissue. I love you that time.


You wanted to still be friends. I said ďWag muna. Di ko pa kaya. Masakit pa. Pagmasaya na ulet ako.Ē I gave you some advice to take care of your heart. I told you to look for someone, who is patient if not more than I am. I told you to look for someone who will love you and sweep you off your feet.

You told me, there will be no other person who would love you the way I love you. Even if you get married, he might hurt you. It was really because youíre not gay.

I nodded. And all I could say is yes and itís okay.

There was a matter of settling or splitting everything. We agreed that you would drop by in the condo to pick up some things you left, while Iím at a convention out of town. We agreed that you would change your billing address. We agreed to not return the gifts we gave to each other. We agreed. I agreed, because it is what is needed, not really what I wanted. A part of me wants to hold on to thoseóthat part of who loves you...still.

I drove you home. It took me an hour before I could drive to our condo. Tears just kept falling. They would not stop.

I am not angry with you. I am not regretting anything. How could I be? Those four years were the best part of me. Iím sad. Terribly sad. All the things weíve been through; giving up our work, our families and our friends for this relationship.

I keep on thinking for these past few months, what should I do? What am I doing wrong? Didnít I make you fall for me every single day? Lahat naman binigay ko, ginawa ko para sa atin. Never naman ako nagalit sayo. Isang sabi mo lang I rush to your side. Isang sabi mo lang, ginagawa ko. Hindi mo na nga kelangan sabihin. But how can it be love if I want to be selfish and keep you to myself? How can it be love if I would make you feel guilty for all the things that I have done? Apparently love is not enough.

And all I could say was donít worry. Itís okay.
/end
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R
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PostSubject: Re: The Break Up   Sat 21 May 2011, 8:35 pm

Can you lead me somewhere safe? Far away from here. Take me away. It feels harder to breathe and it feels harder to live everyday.

Can you close my eyes and hold my hand? Take a small step each day; take a giant leap today.

Would you make me braver? Would you wipe away my tears? Because the poison is too little and too weak. If the liquor shall flow everyday and guide my sanity, how would I face the world, and how can I face you.

Would it be so difficult to understand that I shatter everyday? Break everyday. Live everyday.

Take me away from here. Cause Iím dying everyday

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You fall in love with the person; it just so happens she is a girl. -R
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fireworks
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PostSubject: Re: The Break Up   Wed 08 Jun 2011, 3:40 pm

ouch.
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PostSubject: Re: The Break Up   Wed 08 Jun 2011, 3:42 pm

is this thread open for discussion?
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R
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PostSubject: Re: The Break Up   Wed 08 Jun 2011, 4:46 pm

yes it is. don't worry. i placed it for anyone to view or anyone to give comments. i just express myself better in writing. ;-)

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You fall in love with the person; it just so happens she is a girl. -R
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PostSubject: Re: The Break Up   Tue 09 Aug 2011, 3:13 am

this is so sad... i feel hurt with how things ended between the two of you... compared s hurt n nararamdaman ko ngayon, yours must be worse...
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shan06
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PostSubject: Re: The Break Up   Tue 09 Aug 2011, 7:45 am

teary eyes with this story.. I could feel the pain..=(
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PostSubject: Re: The Break Up   Wed 10 Aug 2011, 3:12 pm

R wrote:
[color=darkblue]
I keep on thinking for these past few months, what should I do? What am I doing wrong? Didnít I make you fall for me every single day? Lahat naman binigay ko, ginawa ko para sa atin. Never naman ako nagalit sayo. Isang sabi mo lang I rush to your side. Isang sabi mo lang, ginagawa ko. Hindi mo na nga kelangan sabihin. [b]But how can it be love if I want to be selfish and keep you to myself?
How can it be love if I would make you feel guilty for all the things that I have done? Apparently love is not enough.

And all I could say was donít worry. Itís okay.
/end

this hurts. been asking myself these questions too.
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DsCreet
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PostSubject: Re: The Break Up   Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:30 am

hmmm....mahirap iwasan ang pain of moving forward or not moving at all. Especially when after a day's work, uuwian mo one empty house.
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