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 October

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AuthorMessage
R
Sikat
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Post Count : 128
Current Location : Makati
Sexual Identity : None
Preference : femmes/friendship

My Status
Current Status: Attached
I am feeling..: Happy

PostSubject: October   Sat 17 Sep 2011, 2:46 am

October
09.17.11


The days are dwindling into the most-awaited month, October. After four years of no communication with each other I had mustered up enough courage to offer my friendship last year. Eleven months, have we been this naive to call what we have as "best friends"?

Of all the things I have said and all of the things I have done for you, you question my intention. To which I would always reply that I just want to make you happy. I was the most sincere staying up late with you just listening to your stories. I would drop by at your office just to see you for five minutes and to deliver good coffee and some snacks. I had a boquet of long stemmed roses delivered just because you were sad.

I was captivated by you.

Often times you'll catch me looking away with a stupid look on my face. In truth, I was finding you beautiful. I seldom get attracted to physical features, but on those awkward moments I was grasping every image of you. My thoughts linger on your pinkish lips, and I often find guilt that I turn away.

It was not long ago, perhaps a month, when I realized that I am in love with you. To describe it with words would not give it full justice. It felt that my heart overflowed and every being of me was lost.

And yet upon that eureka moment, I felt guilty. You told me last February 26 that if my feelings would change, even if unintentionally, the results would be nothing short of dimsal. I am in love with you and I felt scared. It is not the fear of rejection, but more of the fear of losing you again.

And now, the most sincerest words and actions have become a constant analysis of my feelings and yours. Deja vu. Was it not long ago that we were like this? We were in a dating phase. It just so happens that right now, we described it as non-dating. Expectedly, being the hopeless and romantic that I am, I was and am dating you exclusively. On the otherhand, often times, I would just listen to your stories and to your "secret" friends. Sometimes you would look for me, and sometimes you would not.

I used to be satisfied whenever you send me a mobile message or the simple moments of being with you. But now that I have finally admitted to myself that I am in love with you, a feeling of jealousy and self-pity often comes before my sleep. As such, I would always feel guilty about it.

I am scared of being vulnerable infront of you. Images of what transpired four years ago and how you broke my heart and dreams are still etched into this forgetful person's memory. Every time you look at me that way, a part of me dies all over again. If I could just erase those memories, then I would have been braver.

Call me crazy as they come, but this October, I am giving you another chance to break my heart again. Last March, you told me that you are going to ask me for a favor by the end of this month. It is only answerable by "yes" or "no". And as much as I wanted to fish some information out of you, the memory of you not being ready four years ago pre-empt me to be more patient. I have become more patient.

Truthfully, there is a chance of you forgetting about our conversation. All of this anticipation and anxiety might not even conjure that moment.

October. I will be getting a year older this month. I will be graduating for my second course. Hopefully, this month, I will be braver.
:end:

_________________
You fall in love with the person; it just so happens she is a girl. -R
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